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FUCK. |
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big black. |
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last night, i dreamed that the fabulous ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) uh4_17 went to my high school. he passed me a note between classes telling me he was fond of me. i think that rivetprince wanted to take me to a merzbow show and buy me a black cherry slushy or something. i remember hanging out at school, and then in one class, i went to the back of the class to change undergarments. you know, when i could have just USED THE BATHROOM, like a normal person.
wait, there's nothing 'normal' about changing your undergarments at a school in the middle of the day, anyways.
back in 'real life...' the other day, nicole made a passing comment about how she was closest to our nana. it frustrated me so much- like this is a fucking competition or something? i laid into her, and we got into a huge fight. she was enraged- screaming, tears pouring down. we took a few hours away from each other, and then we just forgot about it. no apologies.
today, we met with the pastor who is speaking at the funeral. he's a SUPER cool guy. he asked if any of us would like to speak after his sermon. my mom said that she couldn't- it would be too hard. i said that i'd be happy to. my mom had told me earlier that i would have to write a piece about nana, since everyone loved the piece i wrote about my papa years ago. so i decided i would say a few [thousand] words at my nana's funeral. my mom smiled, and said that i would be the best [wo]man for the job.
later on, i overheard her on the phone with my cousin sheri, telling her, 'well, if anyone can do it... it's certainly you.' i asked her what she was talking about. oh, she was talking about speaking at my nana's funeral. okay. so you flatter me, flatter my talents- you tell me how perfect i would be, and then you turn around and tell the exact same thing to someone else?
it's not about someone stealing my limelight or anything- i want as many people as possible to speak at the funeral. but it's like my mom dishes out these fake ass compliments- to boost everyone's egos, or to STRENGTHEN the bond that she has with them? 'ohh, if i say something reallY NICE to you, then you will LIKE me more; therefore validating my existence!'
fuck that. it's stupid. be real. say what you mean.
it would be like... let's say someone asked you to design the cover art for the sleeve of one of your favourite band's newest album. they tell you, 'man! you're such a great artist- your work would be perfect.' then they turn around and say the exact same thing to someone else. wouldn't you be like, 'fuck that. the only thing i'm designing now is a stylish new way to flip you the bird.' wouldn't you be all 'take my ball and go home?'
i think i'll save whatever i write, and instead of reading it in front of everyone, i'll go back to her grave late at night and read it then.
in addition to all of that, i have to try to swallow the rage that will be consummated by my cousin's presence. i don't even fucking UNDERSTAND why my mother lovingly welcomed him back into our family. maybe it's easier for her to pretend that i probably wasn't molested- that way, she feels like she was a more loving, more attentive mother. instead of saying, 'wow, traci. i am so sorry those things happened. i fucked up. i should have been paying closer attention....' she can just pretend it never happened, and save herself a fuckload of guilt.
OKAY! COOL! :) :) :) :)
to top it all off, we all know i have NO money for rent, bills, groceries, or moving expenses. but check the latest- my wonderful kitten, in order to punish me for leaving her behind, has soiled my mattress! so now, i have nowhere to sleep! i am frantically e-mailing craigslisters that have mattresses up on the 'free stuff' board.
i created a godflesh station on pandora. i want to get in a fistfight. wait, that's a good way to make money, right? there are still some total creepers that are into having the shit kicked out of them? i'm just a broke, pissed off bitch trying to make ends meet... but if i slip into one of my goofy gawthe kid outfits and call myself a dominatrix, will you pay me a couple hundred bucks to make you fucking HURT?
because i really want someone else to hurt for a change.
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