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as if i'd stop breathing THAT easily.

but first a eulogy for 2009, year of the living dead. to save space, it was not the best/worst of times, but the BURST of times. we saw tall buildings leapt in single bounds, entire oceans crossed without the intervention of our porcine "boys" in blue, foreign & altered states, the world's most expensive piece of paper letting me know that the last four years have produced Something To Show For Myself that's more than the people of the state of new york vs helen misspelled-last-name [only the smrtist wurk in teh cuaort syxstim]. my net worth is full of butterflies & the occasional propeller-chopped manatee, my brain has met the wrong end of a cookbook several times over, & i'm so full of holes i could be a blockbuster movie plot but you know what they say THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME IS WHERE THE HEART says fuck it i quit & you pass out on your way to work

you have it all backwards, the clouds are in your head & the ground is on your feet, at some point something went horribly wrong. harmless entertainment grew teeth & an agenda & we're not sure which is worse. i admitted defeat but nothing got easier & fiction beat truth to a bloody pulp & took its place. case in point: exhibit a, b, c, etc. alphabet soup laced with predictions of the apocalypse, now with 50% less substance. the decrease of substance being inevitable in the style of death & taxes & by taxes i mean those burnt-out-looking guys in the foam statue of liberty crowns trying to sell tax prep services on greenpoint ave, i'll never make enough money to have to pay the fuckers that's for sure [look ma it's a silver lining! no junior that's just the sun glinting off the windshield of the car that's about to hit us. time to EMBRACE FATE!!!!!]

finding out in 2/3 months if i am accepted into grad school because doing things you swore never to do is the new black/grey/beige & therefore totally fucking inevitable. Hey It Beats Working!TM & like pardon my eclipse but where did my writing go, exactly, every time i slip something in its drink in order to drag it back home it escapes & i'm all hearty vegetable commute on the 4 train to & from corporate finishing school, here is where you learn to sit in a meeting & not nod off & fall out of your chair, here is where you are taught to make small talk not messes, here is where you constantly fight the urge to off yourself ian curtis style with the cord to your computer mouse. but HERE will soon become THERE, as blissful unemployment looms on the horizon, never thought i'd be shunning the almighty paycheck but let's face it minimum wage is not worth the sensation of stuffing my brain down a garbage disposal from 9 to 5. foot in the door while the door slams repeatedly. you only live once & most people don't even pull that off & if i don't stop wasting my time it will waste me instead. i can hardly wait.

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(but how? Yeah, I don't know. I still have the email address I had at our last correspondence ca. Sept. 2009, if you still know it)

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